[Businessmtg] Achives

[pernel hill]

Good morning. This archiving thing was the one reason I joined this BM. I had many thoughts when I first read about it. First thought was : what the F is this? I thought this was called anonymous, archiving is definitely not anonymous. Other thoughts arrived in my mind, what if thoughts. What if someone’s A discovers that and reads their stuff. What if someone reads my thoughts? After a while things changed in my mind. I analyzed what my problem was. I’ve used my full name. I’ve typed some raw and dark secrets and mentioned how I’ve felt about some really private stuff. Have I said everything (no, I have not). Am I full of shit (no, I’ve told the truth). If my A found these archives would it destroy our relationship (no, alcoholism is doing that). So what then, is truthfully my problem? In reality, I have no problem with this. I was thinking of others and what they would think. I did not notice the archiving thing when I joined. I was just a guy, in the middle of something I could not control and was desperately trying to figure it out. I had no original plan of becoming a chair. My mind did not know of the things it may say. I joined the first thing I came across. Something I’ve learned : our primary goal is to help the families and friends of alcoholics. When we join an al-anon group we are mixed up and hurt and practically desperate (I was, and still am in so many ways). Have things I said helped people? I think,yes. People have reached out to me and thanked me, I’ve wondered why and I understand why now (at least a bit better). If an archived share of mine helps someone,somewhere,somehow, I’m ok with that. Maybe what’s important is that people know and understand that ASP archives stuff. I guess we would if we read everything, but really....who does that, especially when new and in that horrible place in life. I “get”, how this happened, the whole click yes instead of clicking no thing. Is it a big deal? For me, it is not. I want my wife to know what I’m up to. Perhaps it’s still in my subconscious mind that if I’m doing something she will too, but I’m sick and my life had, has and still is under the effects of alcoholism. I see that most people are against this, it goes against the concepts or traditions or something (really I’m too new to understand that), my concentration lies elsewhere for now....bound to the slogans and the steps and I’m working on it. My opinion is that I don’t mind if stuff I’ve typed is archived, it’s out there, I’ve said it and I’ve LGLG take care of that, it’s too late now anyway, just like some of the horrible stuff I’ve said to my wife, I remain powerless to change the past (my brain still works on a perpetual motion machine to power my time travel machine, but that’s another story). These are all just rambling thoughts in my mind, the pressure still pushes at me in my home. I’ve learned I can cry, my eyes even make tears, sometimes of anger, sometimes of sadness, I don’t know of the happiness ones yet. I have trouble with BM type stuff. I forget to vote on things, sometimes my reading gets behind, I don’t know of the technical website things and sometimes feel I shouldn’t be a BM member cause I don’t do things right, it’s cause I don’t know how or what’s ok or what the procedure may be. I’ve been told I have a hidden wisdom, I have experience, strength, and somewhere maybe even some hope. Again if that helps someone, somewhere, somehow, then I’m ok with that. Maybe if we only archived “chair shares “ it would go over better. Again I really don’t know. You guys, in my opinion,may do whatever you like, I no longer care if my personal stuff is archived, forever if that’s what happens. Loves ya, pernel .
Sent from my iPhone